Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she peed on how many people?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
