my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
