when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
