Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
