I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
