did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
