Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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