and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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