If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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