3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
