Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
