I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
