He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
