Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
