my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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