Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
