great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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