I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
