and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
