He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
