Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
