Ambien. No doubt about it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
