i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Houston, we have a blender
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Pants are for mortals
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
