the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
