i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
