I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
