I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
