and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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