I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
