At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just sucked dick on a ferry
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
