you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
