Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
