Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
