Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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