He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
