She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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