one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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