Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
