it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
