I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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