yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
