The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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