i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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