you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
