OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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