It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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