I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
