i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
