I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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