she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I could make wine with my vomit
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
