oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
