And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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