ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
