so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
